When Love is Messy

This past Sunday night I attended a community service hosted by our local Baptist association.  It featured a praise and worship band that played both contemporary and traditional worship songs.  I was impressed at the number of newer songs I recognized.  I didn't feel as "out of the loop" as I thought I was.

During this time, I learned something about one of the popular worship songs that was played.  While I am familiar with the tune "How He Loves," I did not know that the David Crowder Band (whom has made the song popular) did not write it, and in fact changed a phrase in the song to make it more "marketable" to Christan radio.

They did this with full permission from the writer, John Mark McMillan.  In a blog post he wrote in 2009, he mentions that he holds no hard feelings against the band for doing this, and granted the permission because he knew it would result in its exposure to a wider audience.  At the same time, he laments this necessity, and comments on what it implies about the current climate of American Christianity.

What on earth could cause such a complex set of emotions for this song writer?  What phrase did Crowder's band deem "unmarketable" to their audience?  For those unfamiliar with the story, your curiousity must be peeking at this moment.  Perhaps you're wondering if McMillan cursed, or made a theological statement that would alienate one specific group of Christianity.  Interestingly, he did neither of those, but simply painted an accurate picture of God's love.

As the lyrics portray what the song's title implies it is about, "How [God] Loves," McMillarn compares his love coming to earth to a "sloppy wet kiss."  The David Crowder Band modified this in the now-popular version of the song to "unforeseen kiss."

What's the big deal?  Are we splitting hairs on this one?  Perhaps, but it is an important hair that makes the difference in a deeper understanding of God's love, as it is revealed in Jesus Christ.  As the worship leader commented on this Sunday night, he asked those attending if they knew what it was like to be kissed by a one-year-old.  This struck a chord with me because our daughter will be one in September.  Her kisses are wet, sloppy, and completely open-mouthed!  But they are also passionate, sincere, and filled with unbridled love.  She has not yet been taught that it's inappropriate to completely put everything you have into this act.

This is something she will learn in time.  Not because someone will sit her down and explain that the way she kisses people is inappropriate.  But because of the way we kiss her back.  Children learn by example, and as she notices that our kisses are more reserved, hers will start to be as well.  Socially, this is good for her.  It will help her fit into society's norms.

Unfortunately, I've seen something similar happen in Christianity.  Young Christians, full of zeal to do what Jesus said to do and to love radically without reserve, look around and see the veterans of the faith loving differently.  It's not that they don't love, they just do it in a nicer, cleaner, more comfortable way.  Instead of going to the homeless shelter, they might write a check.  Instead of visiting a prisoner, they support a prison chaplain.  Instead of  going to a stranger and inviting them in, they pray for them from afar.  Sooner or later, it dawns on the young believer that the way they are loving others is "sloppy."  And more often than not, they conform to the less difficult, yet still "unforeseen" methods of their brothers and sisters.

 God, help me to have the courage to love others like my daughter kisses me!

Love and Marriage

Those seem to be the popular subjects some pastors are writing  books about these days.  I have to admit, I feel terribly inadequate to write a whole book about those things.  When I speak to couples in pre-marital "counseling," one of the first things I tell them is that I am not a clinical counselor.  I can encourage them, pray for them, and talk to them about the spiritual side of their union; including what the Bible may or may not say about the marriage relationship.  I cannot, however, offer them a comprehensive guide that will address any and all marital issues they may encounter as a couple.  When it comes to the social aspect of marriage, all I can offer is my own experience and advice, which is admittedly biased and limited.

Others choose a  different approach.  In Real Marriage: the Truth about Sex, Friendship, and Life Together, Mark and Grace Driscoll set out to answer nearly every question a couple might have about their relationship.  As in most of his undertakings, Mark takes pride in being especially candid and unfiltered, deliberately addressing subjects that you normally would not with a minister or in a church setting.  In a sense, I admire that.  There's something refreshing and authentic about a willingness from a pastor to talk about taboo subjects that are not normally mentioned in church.  On the other hand, authenticity is not a substitute for credentials.  Perhaps Mark feels perfectly qualified to talk about the complicated aspects involved in the social side of marriage that go beyond theology and biblical knowledge, but I certainly do not.

The Driscolls are not the only Christian couple jumping on this bandwagon.  Ed Young Jr and his wife Lisa recently released a book entitled Sexperiment: Seven Days to Lasting Intimacy with Your Spouse.  This one makes me even more uneasy than Mark and Grace's because it narrows the subject down to the sexual relationship alone.  I can hear some people objecting: "but Matt, don't you think it is good that a pastor is finally willing to talk about something that typically is not talked about enough in church?"  In a sense, yes.  But the concerns I have regarding the Driscolls' book are magnified that much more in the Youngs'.  What makes them an expert on sex?  Furthermore, how likely is it that the subtitle will deliver it's promise and lead to lasting intimacy in only seven days???

Perhaps I just have not been a pastor long enough to address such complicated issues as these.  However, I suspect that even after serving in ministry for several years, I still would not feel comfortable in writing a whole book on the subject.  Not because I don't have a wonderful marriage or know some Bible verses that address the subject, but because I am not an expert on the topic.  So, what balanced book would I recommend that addresses both the biblical and social aspect of the marriage relationship?  I am glad you asked!  When browsing through a list of published works from the faculty of George W. Truett Theological Seminary, I recently came across a book co-written by Drs. David and Diana Garland called Beyond Companionship: Christians in Marriage.

What makes this book different?  Several things.  While it is also co-authored by a husband and wife team, it is not restricted to the field of "Christian living."  It offers more than Bible verses strung together, sprinkled with personal anecdotes and opinion.  It approaches the subject from both a biblical and social standpoint, because those are the respective fields in which these two individuals are competent.  As the dean of a seminary and leading scholar, David ensures that marriage is considered in the appropriate biblical context; while Dianna, dean of Baylor University's school of social work, ensures that contemporary and social issues that may not be addressed in the Bible are not ignored.

This book was written in 1986, and to my knowledge, never made the "bestseller" display in the Christian book store.  It does not make sweeping claims to transform your marriage following a few easy steps from the Bible.  But it does take an honest and qualified look at serious issues surrounding this God ordained institution.  If you are looking for something that goes beyond a pastor's personal experience and opinion on this topic, this is what I would overwhelmingly recommend. 

Emily Grace

It's strange walking into your room. Seeing all the new furniture, decorations, and bright colors is surreal. It's obvious something is different in there. Even the dog explores it curiously during the day. At night, he sleeps on your floor, basking in the brand new scent of items fresh from their packaging. We never go in there, unless we are working, because it is not our room. It is yours.

Isn't that strange? You have a room, clothes, and furniture, and you are not even here to claim it! Your name hangs to the left of the entrance on a pink and brown decoration your mother painted. It matches the colors on your curtains, crib, and the blanket that is draped over the chair we will rock you in when you wake us in the middle of the night.

This room and all of its contents just sit there, idly waiting for someone to bring life into their midst. We could break the silence ourselves, and perhaps start eating our dinner in there every night, as we discuss the day's activities. But that would be ridiculous. It is not our place to do that, it is your room. We talk about it as if you already live here. "Where is the furniture polish," I ask your mom. "It's in Emily's room," she responds. It's in there because she has been meticulously making things just right for your arrival.

But we are not the only ones that are acting out of sorts. Your aunts, uncles, grandparents, and our friends (some that I hardly know) have begun buying you all kinds of things that will find their way into your room. You'll learn that things like this do not often happen in our world. Time, energy, and money are not typically lavished on someone that people have never met. Rooms are not left lifeless with brand-new merchandise for children that people do not know. Yet, all of this sits, quietly waiting for you.

We have no idea what you will look like, who you will take after, or what you will be good at. Those are just some of the reasons people are given gifts and awards in society. But none of them describe the care and attention that has been directed towards you. You have done nothing to earn it, nor have you influenced anyone to get it for you. The only thing that has merited such a production on your behalf is this: you are ours. You belong to us. And for that reason alone, you are already loved far beyond what you could possibly comprehend.

Values

Have you seen those commercials made by "The Foundation for a Better Life?" In every one of them, it pictures some kind of noteworthy moral value displayed in a life situation. At the end of the commercial, it states the name of the value it is promoting, and urges the viewer to pass it on. The most recent one I've seen is entitled "You Can Let Go" and is promoting the value of "everlasting love." You can watch it here.

Did you cry? I did too. That's not saying much though, I tend to be a softie. Have you ever wondered what the agenda behind these ads are? According to Wikipedia (I know, I'm a lazy researcher), The Foundation for a Better Life was founded in 2000 with a $700 million endowment from Mr. Phillip Anschutz, a wealthy evangelical Christian. More than $10 million was spent on the initial campaign, which funded billboards, signs, and posters, as well as the videos we continue to see on TV. The Foundation neither solicits nor accepts monetary donations from the public. It is not officially affiliated with any religion, instead hoping that "the values we share transcend any particular religion or nationality".

What do I think about these ads? I'm glad you asked. ;)

They are not effective. This is not a personal critique on Mr. Anschutz or anyone involved in the campaign. I do not think these ads hurt or damage society in any way, but I am skeptical about the ability to teach morality via 90 second TV spots. I'm not saying that someone won't walk away from watching one these like the one posted above thinking, "that's nice, I should try to be more loving towards my child/parent." But how long will the emotionally generated resolution last?

As mentioned in my post on depravity, I'm not very optimistic about my or anyone's ability to act moral on our own behalf, regardless of how much a TV ad makes us cry. How many movies have you walked away from feeling excited and inspired, only to find that feeling fade after only a few hours? Dress it up any way you want, inspiring people to be good will only last as long as the feeling of inspiration that you generate. People just don't have the ability to love others "everlastingly" the way this video portrays on their own. Rather, those who know and follow Jesus can say that "we love others because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)."

In today's diverse society, It is tempting to have an attitude that says, "hey, it doesn't matter who you are, where you are from, or what you believe, let's all just try our best to pass along good values and we will be fine." Unfortunately, that does not seem to be working. When people fail to love others, it isn't because they haven't seen a commercial that properly showed them how to do it. It is because they do not have the love of Christ in their lives. That doesn't mean Christians love perfectly. It means that they are perfectly loved, and have a divinely given ability to love others in this same way. Like all abilities, it is not always used to its potential, but at least the potential is there.

If the Foundation for a Better Life wants to continue to make ads, that's fine. I enjoy a good cry every now and then.